Sunday, April 1, 2018

Ten Reasons You Should NOT Become a Gardener

1.     You buy plants. . .lots of plants. . .and put them in the ground only find that they don’t grow or grow prolifically. You repeat this cycle until one day it dawns on you, that you should do some research. This leads you to take classes and attend seminars.



2.  You sign up for said classes and learn about dirt soil, plant pests and diseases, soil PH, pruning, rainwater harvesting, straw bale and keyhole gardening. This leads to attending every seminar or class within a 90-mile radius of your garden. You are on a first name basis with your local agriculture extension agent. You are accused of stalking him.

3.     You learn about poop. . .cow, chicken and rabbit manure, bat guano, worm castings and frass.

4.     Every morning, you HAVE to go to your garden to inspect your plants for growth, blooms, and pests. This requires you to be out in the fresh air during good or bad weather. This also MAKES you listen to the birds singing.

5.     Your spouse notices your success or failure and decides he will garden too. . . without any knowledge of above referenced plants, soil, pests and poop. Said spouse becomes a know-it-all.

6.     Your grandchildren will want to “help” in the garden. This leads to dirty clothing, skinned knees and an occasional sighting of a bee or bug which then leads to grandchildren screeching at the top of their lungs. This screeching shatters the experience of quiet, peaceful gardening.

7.     The grandchildren will want to pick harvest the fruits of your labors. You will have to supervise because their mom may find out they eat fruit or veggies straight from the garden (without being washed of above referenced poop).

8.     Your success with vegetable gardening may lead to an abundance. This leads to making new friends and talking nice with the neighbors in order to pressure them into taking these unwanted vegetables. When friends and neighbors begin to run away from you when you come toward them with a grocery sack, this leads to depression.

9.     You still have an abundance from your garden. This now requires you to learn a new skill such as freezing, canning, and making herbal oils and vinegars. The neighbors and friends think you have retreated back to the 60s and become a reborn hippie.

10.  You acquire an entire new wardrobe.

Yes, I know I said 10 reasons NOT to grow a garden but I thought of one more!

11.  Growing fresh fruits and vegetables leads to the eating of more fresh fruits and vegetables. This leads to a lower consumption of other delicious foods such as baked goods, desserts, and bacon. Growing a garden leads to searching out others that “make their own” such as farmers markets. You get excited and think you can make your own butter and bread. You begin to think about acquiring chickens. This horrendous cycle of do-it-yourself begins to repeat itself.